These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*