HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
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I just ran a .003048K
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game