15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
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American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Yup
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I put the mess in domestic.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I think this cat is broken
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%