I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
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when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The funk soul brother
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
calling in to work dehydrated
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.