I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.