Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.