Want to talk trash? Recycle.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Crying is a sign of leakness.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
stand with me against insufficient seating
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.