[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
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My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
me after drinking all the wine:
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.