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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Incredible customer service.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Thoughts
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Siri, fight Alexa.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist