I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?