Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*