I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My daily affirmation
favorite tropes as memes
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha