My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
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I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Wait a second…
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
DOOO EEEET
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…