Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
These 3D printers are insane!
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”