NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Sign of the day..
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.