If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!