You Might Also Like
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Kermit goes Blue.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.