earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?