I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
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fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.