Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I am crying
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.