[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
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[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
sin harder.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.