Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
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What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
uh oh
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
gentlemen, hear me out
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Received some very disappointing news today
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*