me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.