I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?