Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
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shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄