Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
.. do you even science?
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.