I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
we all know this pain all too well
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…