Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
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*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38