[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
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I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.