me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
at ease…shoulder.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice