Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”