“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
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all toddlers look the same when telling a story
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Lmbo
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.