me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Shortcut
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.