[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
You Might Also Like
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me trying to walk in a dream
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.