I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
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I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*