“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Choose your fighter
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.