I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.