Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
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I was bored.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?