I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You Might Also Like
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I unironically love this joke.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
huge if true: the moon
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50