Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Happy weekend !
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.