Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Comparing yourself to others