Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
And then there were 4
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.