How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
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We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
im 7 sauces long
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter