Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
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Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change