The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Pretty much! 😂👀
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos