[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
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I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.