Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
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Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I’m good, thanks.