[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
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[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I think this cat is broken
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.