always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
You Might Also Like
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try