If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
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*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.